Blaming My Problems on the World One at a Time

I’m writing on this blog so I can pretend someone actually gives a shit about how I feel. In some ways, it’s nice: posting truth without a thought to consequence. Screw therapy. Screw pills. Screw pseudo-friends.

I don’t think I’m suicidal. I fantasize about death, of killing myself, of being killed by extenuating circumstances, but will I actually do it? No. I’m too lazy. I eagerly wait for death just as much as I wait for Prince Charming. However, only one of the two is sure to come.

I do scratch myself. Not like a “oh it itches so I need to scratch” kind of deal, but more of a “I need physical pain to distract me from emotional pain” kind of thing. It’s better than cutting myself, because I think it’s so unhygienic. Blame it on my nursing education. Plus, scars from scratching fades with time, and scars from cutting stays forever. It’s like branding yourself as unstable for the rest of your life.

People ask about the scars and I always feed them some bullshit story. I don’t think people believe my alibis, but they don’t give a shit enough to intervene. I think they’re relieved when I lie about it, because it gives them plausible deniability if I eventually do kill myself later on.

Who cares if I die? Nobody. Sure, everyone will be shocked and intrigued and it will give them a good story to share with people, but nobody’s gonna come to the funeral.

Life will be better when I’m dead. Fuck Carpe Diem.

Where is God? Is he still punishing me?

I keep forgetting to take my happy pills. And I think the more I don’t take them, the more agitated I become.

Some days I just can’t stand being in my own skin. It’s like I want to peel away the skin from myself just so I could escape.

I should be better. But I’m not. The pity party’s still going.

I’m trying so hard but I always come up short. Then I wonder if God sees me. If God forgot that He left me here. Will he remember to come back for me? It’s not a matter of whether or not he CAN save me, it’s a matter of whether he WILL.

“He is able, He is willing, doubt no more…”

Is he really?

For the day to end.

I’ve never wanted anything back so much in my entire life. My heart aches, my body aches, my soul aches. Everyday I spend without you feels a little bit closer to dying.

If there was anything I knew I could do to make you come back, I would have done it.

I don’t believe you’re happier without me. Not in the least. I’d like to think I left a void in your life.

How can I be friends with you again when I’m still so madly in love with you? I can’t be near you and not hold your hand, not kiss your lips and not put my head on your shoulder.

And I don’t want to try yet. I’d like to think you’re still in love with me. That you’re coming back. That you’ll realize how much I mean to you after all.

I still believe we can make it. That this is all just a little bump on our journey in coupledom.

I mean, everyone goes through their little blips right? Couples break up and get back together all the time. I don’t see why we’re any different.

I think we have an emergency I think we have an emergency

If you thought I’d leave, then you were wrong Cause I won’t stop holding on

So are you listening? So are you watching me?

If you thought I’d leave, then you were wrong Cause I won’t stop holding on.

This is an emergency So are you listening?

And I can’t pretend that I don’t see this

It’s really not your fault That no one cares to talk about it, Talk about it

Cause I’ve seen love die Way too many times When it deserved to be alive (When it deserved to be alive) I’ve seen you cry Way too many times When you deserve to be alive, alive

So you give up every chance you get Just to feel new again

I think we have an emergency I think we have an emergency

And you do your best to show me love, but you don’t know what love is.

So are you listening? So are you watching me?

Well I can’t pretend that I don’t see this

It’s really not your fault That no one cares to talk about it, Talk about it

Cause I’ve seen love die Way too many times When it deserved to be alive (When it deserved to be alive) I’ve seen you cry Way too many times When you deserve to be alive, alive

These scars, they will not fade away.

No one cares to talk about it, talk about it

Cause I’ve seen love die Way too many times When it deserved to be alive (When it deserved to be alive) I’ve seen you cry Way too many times When you deserve to be alive, alive

For you to call me. Or to wake up from this nightmare. It’s not too late. Call me. If you’re reading this, pick up your phone and call me right now.

I still am very much in love with you. I would still forgive and take you back. Just please talk to me. I know you don’t want desperation but that’s what I am.

I don’t think it’s over yet. I still believe you’ll come back. I still believe you love me, even though you tell yourself otherwise. I’m just not convinced.

Things got hard and stressful and serious and you quit on me. You ran away. Why?

Come back.

Now that it’s wintertime and the weather is getting cold, I wonder if you wear those blue socks I knit for you. I wonder if you wear the brown beanie I crocheted for you. And I wonder if your friends still even have the beanies I made for them.

I wonder if you know how much love was put in every knit and purl of each sock. And I wonder how you feel when you put them on to keep your feet warm. Do you think of me? Do you feel guilt? Do you feel nothing? Do you even dare put them on or have you stashed them away along with every memory of me?

Do you know how many other girls would knit socks and beanies for you and your friends?

You got some nerve.

16 days since you broke up with me. It’s not much time considering I spent the first seven begging you to come back. 2 weeks feel like a flash when you’re in love, but it’s eternity when you’re brokenhearted.

I’m so angry at you. I still don’t understand why you broke up with me. I think your reasons just didn’t make sense. I think you got scared and overwhelmed after seeing more aspects of my life and everything else after that is justification to your cause.

You said you didn’t want marriage. Well neither do I. You said you weren’t comfortable being in a relationship that didn’t go anywhere. But tell me, when you date another girl, does that mean you’re dating for marriage now? You want it to go somewhere? Why does it matter to you to find someone with a similar perspective and someone to settle down with if you don’t want marriage? And have I ever pressured you to marry me? You even asked me if you proposed right now would I say yes, and I said absolutely not.

What is with the guilt? You think you’re bringing me down, holding me back, etc? You think we’re detrimental to each other? You think we don’t fit together? You honestly believe that? Because I don’t. You know we were good together. You know our differences made us work and be a better couple. I helped you, and you helped me. What the fuck was wrong with that.

I just don’t get it. You ended it preemptively because you’re afraid to get in too deep and then being heartbroken when the time does come to go our separate ways. So now you’d rather get out while you still can. Coward. You are a coward.

And now I’m running after you. I know you didn’t ask me to, and you might not want me to, but I’m here waiting, trying make up for your mistake. Why? I don’t know. Because maybe I love you and I think you’re worth it.

To be fair, I never knew how much fight I had in me until you started pulling this shit.

I know you’re a prideful person. I know that you don’t like to renege on your decisions. But I also know that you still care for me very deeply, and I’m counting on that. I’m betting all my money that love will win in the end.

Because I’m stupid. And an eternal optimist.

So for God’s sake, in this time that I’m not talking to you, please miss me. Please realize that you still want me. Please open your mind to the possibility that maybe we can be together again.

I am the dumbest and least self-respecting person in the world right now.

For all my whining about us, I really loved you. I still do. I was so ready to throw away everything I ever believed in so I can keep you.

But you’re stubborn. You think it’s best and I disagree. If you still love me, stay.

I’m not one to beg, but if that’s what it takes, then I will.

I used to be attractive. Emphasis on “used to be.” There ain’t no self-esteem deficits here. I just know the truth.

When you gain 60 pounds, that’s gonna take a huge hit on your psyche.

And when your boyfriend thinks your younger, other version is hot (the you that he never knew), then you know that things just aren’t looking up.

So tell me, when are you going to get off your high horse and realize that people don’t always do what you tell them to do? And you don’t have the right to dictate what they should do in the first place? You’re not my mother.

I’m annoyed that you’re acting the victim. There is no victim. Just a selfish brat who’s throwing a tantrum because she didn’t get her way.

Get over yourself.